76 Days as a Wanna Be Army Warrior

I ask myself - What were you thinking?

On February 2008, I decided that I needed to pursue my life long dream of becoming an Army officer - I always wanted to do this - And well I thought, I had been in JROTC for three years; gone through all the different cadets ranks and positions - So I thought that I had it in me. So after a lot of wondering, one morning I took the Army business card and made the call - The next few weeks I spend taking documents, signing papers, Preparing physically - " fail to mention, I was really really out of shape, probably at the highest weight I had ever been" - So Having all this things in motion I said "Here I go to the next adventure of my life. "

I signed my contract with a departure date for the second week of April -Didn't tell anyone, I lied to everyone because I didn't want anyone to try to change my mind - So, I made up wonderful stories about getting a better job, Moving to Alaska for research, you think it I said it - Why not, I didn't plan to come back. My family knew though, They just know everything, They went to tell me goodbye - I had to look at the flag and one more time say " I will defend this country" - And I started to cry, I was so scared, So confused, Did I do the right thing ?, Was this the right decision? Of course this fear was not made better by my boyfriend that cried with me until the moment I stepped into the bus.

Then time just passed slowly, Went to the airport, Got on the plane, Waited for the bus, Went on the bus - The longest six hours of my life was that bus ride - I text everyone possible - I really thought - This is it ! I am never going to speak to anyone again. " I wasn't too far from the truth"
Finally around Midnight - We got to the processing center - People do scream at you, but not exactly how you see in the movies - it is more like you are by far the stupidest human being ever born. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do - You are stupid !
We slept that night for about 30 minutes - And that is how the rest 75 days felt.
We started with fireguard - Yeap! you watch everyone as they sleep, it feels like torture, but I found this the best time of the day - No Drill sergeants screaming and making me feel stupid -Just me, My buddy and a flashlight counting minutes, people and making sure we didn't fall asleep.

The days were all the same - We woke up, Did PT, Ate breakfast, Did more PT, processed, Did more PT, Ate Lunch, Did more PT, Processed, Did more PT, Ate Dinner, Did more PT, Took a 2 minute Shower, closed your Eyes, Did Fireguard, During all the above was ALOT of screaming and it all started Again - For One Week.

Then about 5 days into this wonderful time - We had our First Obstacle Course - One that was meant to built team spirit - Ohh, Yeah Right - More to be able to weed out, Who was weak, and for people to hate you !
I tried so hard- I was so out of breath, I really thought I was going to die, Then this stupid Tower of nets, We had to climb up and then go down - GOSH !!! did anyone fail to put on my package that I had no upper body strength whatsoever - NONE !! - Well I tried, however picture 30 other people screaming at you, plus 2 drill sergeants that you will be at fault when they don't win the obstacle course - Yes I say it " I QUIT" - I was scared, frustrated, and well I wanted to make 30 other people happy.. Wrong !!!

I was told I had to go back - Yeap go back - With 7 other Officer Candidates, The company Commander and well my drill sergeants - I was called pathetic, I was a sorry excuse of a Warrior, you name it, I heard it... Where they breaking me - Yes !!!!, But with my heart completely broken, I still tried because I wasn't given another option, I tried until I got to the Top... There one of the drill sergeants held my arms for what felt to be hours - They turn purple, gray, and then with no strength left, he said - "You better do this !" Your only way down is to get all the way to the top.; Wiping my tears and screaming that I hated this place, I got to the top.

Once at the top, not allowed a second to compose myself told to start going down - Then it happen, I FELL !! 15 feet into the floor, I don't even remember - I just felt every bone in my body crack and I had no air - I know I opened my eyes - Because there they were 2 drill sergeants asking me - Are you OK ?? I nodded " Yes" - And then they screamed - " Then get the heck Up "...

I didn't feel much after that, I was shaken up, but felt like I was walking normal - So I had to be alive, Then the day came to go to their Land - BCT Land - Ohh. Crap !!.. RUN !!!.. That is all I told myself - RUN !!!

We had about a 10 minute Bus ride with our heads inside our personal bags, And then it started - I have never felt so disoriented in my life. I felt like in the mist of battle - running is exactly what I did. Throw the duffel, Pick up the duffel, hold then on top of your heads, Throw everything out, Run inside, Sit, Pick-up the chairs, Do push-ups, Do sit-ups, Run More, and then for a moment silence as we all place our heads in our pillows and slept for that minimal 30 minutes.

I dreamt every night of walking at my old apartment and going to bed - and then I would be woken up with the sound of the alarms - And I was still in the same place; looking up at the ceiling of the top bunk I lived for what seemed an eternity... Why ohh.. Why ??

You were reminded every day - " you volunteer for this, I didn't force you in here " - And as the days progressed the pain in my back just got worst - To the point of being unbearable - My back was killing me, I didn't know what to do, I didn't know if to go to the doctor, But then I would be a baby, or try to hold on to the pain as much as I could. I really couldn't !!

I did go to the Doctor - Over and Over and Over Again - I was frustrated and scared and nothing took the pain away - I was given 15 Bottles of medications - from Pain Killers, To Muscle relaxers, To anti inflammatories, To Tylenol... A walking pharmacy - Never explained, if I could take them together or not - And every visit meant at least Three New Bottles.

I spend time in Med Quarters, In Therapy, And No one cared - The People back at the Company said I was lying " I was crying wolf" - Then I was treated mean by the other females - Made to do Double and triple fireguard - I wash toilets, bathrooms, Swept, Mopped, Clean and Clean, took wax off the floors with my hands, carried Weapons Racks, Carried Breakfast Containers, And all this time I had a bad back - I did it.. How I did it ? I don't know, I was angry and I wanted to go home - To see a real doctor and just to be away of feeling so stupid and in pain.

However, Being Good Just made things worst, being respectful made it worst, If I tried to participate in hopes that they would see the pain; It didn't matter; So, I decided that I needed a New tactic, So I decided - I WON'T EAT !!.. Who can force me, If they won't let me go home, I will die of starvation... What a Horrible Plan.. See when you join the Army, you are basically in a Home full of children, Doesn't matter the age they are kids and the drill sergeants are the parents - So, of course they ran to tell on me, Add to that - You are now government property - You went from being a human being to becoming a thing; so, I was breaking government property.. So They told on me, I would go to Jail.. " HUH, Jail - For not eating - No Way !!" Yes way, So I did the best thing, I said I would eat.. I wold eat very little but enough to keep me going... And for sure I would stuff something in front of the people that Instead of helping made me feel worst.

This was a regular day in formation : " Don't stand next to me you are a sorry excuse of a person, What are you doing can you walk faster, Just move you are too slow, you are so pathetic why don't you quit, is all your fault, you should leave I don't know why you are still here ? .. this was everyday Some with more insults, Some to the points of fights, Some would just break your heart, but I pushed, I pushed through all the pain, Through all my tears, And As Time kept on going and I started to lose hope... I would push again and say - it doesn't matter if it takes until X-mas, but I will be back HOME, where I belong !

My Doctor appointments was the reason I was to be discharge of the Army- A disciplinary Discharge, Because I failed to meet requirements; I still don't understand, but when I tried to ask that I wanted to see an attorney I was told that I would never see my family... Then I was told that I was by far the weakest Warrior ever seen by the company Commander - and well known as the War dogs as the - " Sick Call Ranger" ...

Do I have regrets- Not One! , I am thankful every day that I am home, But I am more thankful to have been able to denote my strengths and weakness, I am who I am, I wanted to be a Soldier, and I tried; however, That just wasn't my path - but I will never feel - " What if? " And that is one thing I am most thankful For.

For my 52 War Dogs Warrior - May God Protect you Where ever you Go ! Stay Strong, Stay Focus, But most Importantly - PAY ATTENTION TO DETAIL ! - That will safe your life !

For all the Military Personnel - Please be protected and Thank you !

For my Little sister and My big Brother - Both Army Warriors - New and Old.. Thank you for supporting me and understanding that I was wrong !

Today's Anxieties

I do a lot of reading and research on every topic that people call me and they just have no idea how to go about finding more information. However I still haven't found an answer to Today's anxieties.

Whether you are overweight and want to lose weight ?
Whether you are slim, but you don't know if the pounds will stay off?
How much should I eat and really know is enough ?
I hate frozen meals, but what are fresh alternatives to keep a calorie count?
How do I know If I have the right career?
Do I need to quit?
How do I know if it's really the time to invest?
Am I sleeping too Much?
Do I need a Vacation ?
Is it time to go back to school ?
Do I have money to spend?
When am I shopping too much?
Am I in too much credit card debt ?
Am I doing a good Budget?
Am I saving in Food ? - How Many stores do I visit?
Am I with the right man or woman?
How do I know if they really love me ?
How much money is too much money to spend in a present ?
Do I get mad went they do something wrong or do I just ignore it?

Those are just a few of questions that linger in mind, And I try to clarify them as day passes. But I am still at square one. I will tell you my life experiences some will make you cry and some will definitely make you laugh... But Maybe you and me together will find the answer to what makes me Anxious today !