76 Days as a Wanna Be Army Warrior

I ask myself - What were you thinking?

On February 2008, I decided that I needed to pursue my life long dream of becoming an Army officer - I always wanted to do this - And well I thought, I had been in JROTC for three years; gone through all the different cadets ranks and positions - So I thought that I had it in me. So after a lot of wondering, one morning I took the Army business card and made the call - The next few weeks I spend taking documents, signing papers, Preparing physically - " fail to mention, I was really really out of shape, probably at the highest weight I had ever been" - So Having all this things in motion I said "Here I go to the next adventure of my life. "

I signed my contract with a departure date for the second week of April -Didn't tell anyone, I lied to everyone because I didn't want anyone to try to change my mind - So, I made up wonderful stories about getting a better job, Moving to Alaska for research, you think it I said it - Why not, I didn't plan to come back. My family knew though, They just know everything, They went to tell me goodbye - I had to look at the flag and one more time say " I will defend this country" - And I started to cry, I was so scared, So confused, Did I do the right thing ?, Was this the right decision? Of course this fear was not made better by my boyfriend that cried with me until the moment I stepped into the bus.

Then time just passed slowly, Went to the airport, Got on the plane, Waited for the bus, Went on the bus - The longest six hours of my life was that bus ride - I text everyone possible - I really thought - This is it ! I am never going to speak to anyone again. " I wasn't too far from the truth"
Finally around Midnight - We got to the processing center - People do scream at you, but not exactly how you see in the movies - it is more like you are by far the stupidest human being ever born. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do - You are stupid !
We slept that night for about 30 minutes - And that is how the rest 75 days felt.
We started with fireguard - Yeap! you watch everyone as they sleep, it feels like torture, but I found this the best time of the day - No Drill sergeants screaming and making me feel stupid -Just me, My buddy and a flashlight counting minutes, people and making sure we didn't fall asleep.

The days were all the same - We woke up, Did PT, Ate breakfast, Did more PT, processed, Did more PT, Ate Lunch, Did more PT, Processed, Did more PT, Ate Dinner, Did more PT, Took a 2 minute Shower, closed your Eyes, Did Fireguard, During all the above was ALOT of screaming and it all started Again - For One Week.

Then about 5 days into this wonderful time - We had our First Obstacle Course - One that was meant to built team spirit - Ohh, Yeah Right - More to be able to weed out, Who was weak, and for people to hate you !
I tried so hard- I was so out of breath, I really thought I was going to die, Then this stupid Tower of nets, We had to climb up and then go down - GOSH !!! did anyone fail to put on my package that I had no upper body strength whatsoever - NONE !! - Well I tried, however picture 30 other people screaming at you, plus 2 drill sergeants that you will be at fault when they don't win the obstacle course - Yes I say it " I QUIT" - I was scared, frustrated, and well I wanted to make 30 other people happy.. Wrong !!!

I was told I had to go back - Yeap go back - With 7 other Officer Candidates, The company Commander and well my drill sergeants - I was called pathetic, I was a sorry excuse of a Warrior, you name it, I heard it... Where they breaking me - Yes !!!!, But with my heart completely broken, I still tried because I wasn't given another option, I tried until I got to the Top... There one of the drill sergeants held my arms for what felt to be hours - They turn purple, gray, and then with no strength left, he said - "You better do this !" Your only way down is to get all the way to the top.; Wiping my tears and screaming that I hated this place, I got to the top.

Once at the top, not allowed a second to compose myself told to start going down - Then it happen, I FELL !! 15 feet into the floor, I don't even remember - I just felt every bone in my body crack and I had no air - I know I opened my eyes - Because there they were 2 drill sergeants asking me - Are you OK ?? I nodded " Yes" - And then they screamed - " Then get the heck Up "...

I didn't feel much after that, I was shaken up, but felt like I was walking normal - So I had to be alive, Then the day came to go to their Land - BCT Land - Ohh. Crap !!.. RUN !!!.. That is all I told myself - RUN !!!

We had about a 10 minute Bus ride with our heads inside our personal bags, And then it started - I have never felt so disoriented in my life. I felt like in the mist of battle - running is exactly what I did. Throw the duffel, Pick up the duffel, hold then on top of your heads, Throw everything out, Run inside, Sit, Pick-up the chairs, Do push-ups, Do sit-ups, Run More, and then for a moment silence as we all place our heads in our pillows and slept for that minimal 30 minutes.

I dreamt every night of walking at my old apartment and going to bed - and then I would be woken up with the sound of the alarms - And I was still in the same place; looking up at the ceiling of the top bunk I lived for what seemed an eternity... Why ohh.. Why ??

You were reminded every day - " you volunteer for this, I didn't force you in here " - And as the days progressed the pain in my back just got worst - To the point of being unbearable - My back was killing me, I didn't know what to do, I didn't know if to go to the doctor, But then I would be a baby, or try to hold on to the pain as much as I could. I really couldn't !!

I did go to the Doctor - Over and Over and Over Again - I was frustrated and scared and nothing took the pain away - I was given 15 Bottles of medications - from Pain Killers, To Muscle relaxers, To anti inflammatories, To Tylenol... A walking pharmacy - Never explained, if I could take them together or not - And every visit meant at least Three New Bottles.

I spend time in Med Quarters, In Therapy, And No one cared - The People back at the Company said I was lying " I was crying wolf" - Then I was treated mean by the other females - Made to do Double and triple fireguard - I wash toilets, bathrooms, Swept, Mopped, Clean and Clean, took wax off the floors with my hands, carried Weapons Racks, Carried Breakfast Containers, And all this time I had a bad back - I did it.. How I did it ? I don't know, I was angry and I wanted to go home - To see a real doctor and just to be away of feeling so stupid and in pain.

However, Being Good Just made things worst, being respectful made it worst, If I tried to participate in hopes that they would see the pain; It didn't matter; So, I decided that I needed a New tactic, So I decided - I WON'T EAT !!.. Who can force me, If they won't let me go home, I will die of starvation... What a Horrible Plan.. See when you join the Army, you are basically in a Home full of children, Doesn't matter the age they are kids and the drill sergeants are the parents - So, of course they ran to tell on me, Add to that - You are now government property - You went from being a human being to becoming a thing; so, I was breaking government property.. So They told on me, I would go to Jail.. " HUH, Jail - For not eating - No Way !!" Yes way, So I did the best thing, I said I would eat.. I wold eat very little but enough to keep me going... And for sure I would stuff something in front of the people that Instead of helping made me feel worst.

This was a regular day in formation : " Don't stand next to me you are a sorry excuse of a person, What are you doing can you walk faster, Just move you are too slow, you are so pathetic why don't you quit, is all your fault, you should leave I don't know why you are still here ? .. this was everyday Some with more insults, Some to the points of fights, Some would just break your heart, but I pushed, I pushed through all the pain, Through all my tears, And As Time kept on going and I started to lose hope... I would push again and say - it doesn't matter if it takes until X-mas, but I will be back HOME, where I belong !

My Doctor appointments was the reason I was to be discharge of the Army- A disciplinary Discharge, Because I failed to meet requirements; I still don't understand, but when I tried to ask that I wanted to see an attorney I was told that I would never see my family... Then I was told that I was by far the weakest Warrior ever seen by the company Commander - and well known as the War dogs as the - " Sick Call Ranger" ...

Do I have regrets- Not One! , I am thankful every day that I am home, But I am more thankful to have been able to denote my strengths and weakness, I am who I am, I wanted to be a Soldier, and I tried; however, That just wasn't my path - but I will never feel - " What if? " And that is one thing I am most thankful For.

For my 52 War Dogs Warrior - May God Protect you Where ever you Go ! Stay Strong, Stay Focus, But most Importantly - PAY ATTENTION TO DETAIL ! - That will safe your life !

For all the Military Personnel - Please be protected and Thank you !

For my Little sister and My big Brother - Both Army Warriors - New and Old.. Thank you for supporting me and understanding that I was wrong !