Love Letter

It has been eight years since the day I met you; And everything about you always makes me weak at the knees.

I don't know why; when the thought of losing you enters my mind; The only thing I can do is cry; because the thought of not having you in my life seems to be as painful as a gun shot.

Life is full of unexpected packages and every person in our life always seems to know how our life would be better. However, I just don't know how a person outside of your heart can know what keeps your heart beating.

It is a fairy tale to really thing that every day is perfect; However maybe we do accomplish perfection in a way we never really looked at.

I fell in love with the voice on the telephone, I fell in love with a man that wrote me letters when we saw each other every day; I fell in love with a man that did not need reasons to give me flowers; Because he was able to compare his love to me to a beautiful rose. But that is not the person I love today.

He is too busy for a kiss, or even for a walk on a Saturday afternoon; Most of our time together is a dinner at the sounds of his favorite TV show and maybe a weekend sit down on the couch to watch a new movie. The nights are filled by stress, and extreme exhaustion. We have no children, so we are just bored and tired of the simplest things that the day gives us; and somehow regardless of all those things I am mesmerized and in love with him.

I can't quantify it and I can not place logic into it; I know that my life without him; Maybe could be better, Maybe could be different and the only thing that I can see is that it would be a life without him.

Too put games into your relationship, or to listen to all the advise everyone is so much wiser to give you is truly foolish; Because you and you alone can know what are those eight years like and how can the rest of your life look like.

If I do say good bye to you my love; Because I feel the need to search for more; I leave in these few lines the love I truly had for you; Because I felt your heart beat even when you weren't next to me.

And in some random Moment- when I thought about you- There was a ring on the telephone and it was you thinking of me too.

Love you, SMR

Aug 25 2008 - Two Miles

walking is becoming more like a need - Eventhough is hard for us to walk alone - It gives you the opportunity to put the day in perspective - If you walk in the morning - You are able to make a mental to do list that will allow you to have your day put in order - If you walk in the afternoon - You are able to look at the days activities and determine where you went wrong and where you did good - Ways you can better your Image - Walking is not only about health - Which will be an important factor you will improve with time - However, It is more important for your mental sanity - the reason is mostly because we don't spend enough time with ourselves to be able to truly see what we can do better.
For instance most of our days are taken by: Wake up - go to work - Go home - Cook- Watch TV- Go to bed- If you are a gym fanatic you will go to the gym - Onyl to maybe get upset because you weren't able to get the treadmill - Or the parking space - And probably tell yourself - What did I come in the first place - If you are having a good day - You will work our in all the machines - Maybe a guy will come and help you - But regardless you will be distracted by the girl that is waering too much make-up to be working out- Or the two that you know from somewhere but you can't remember and then maybe see a bit of gossip occurring that will entartaining you for a while.
However, Regardless of the day you are having. You still did not spend quality time with yourself. We are so concerned and scared of being alone - But the reality is that time you dedicate to yourself is what will allow you to understand how to become a better friend, Girlfriend, Wife, ETC...
So I hope you take out those walking shoes, Put some comfortable clothes, And put your IPOD on and let's walk alone. Because you will indeed start feeling better about yourself and in the process you will be in better shape that you could imagine.
Much Love, Walking Loner

Raising Hope, Awareness and Money

I got an E-mail early Monday morning in reference a breast cancer walk in Miami-Dade, It came like an angel because I have been looking for things to do that I would give back. And this came at a much needed time.

I decided to go to the Website: http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?pg=entry&fr_id=11645

And I sign up our family as a team : " The Rincons" I just started, but little by little I know I will get to the goal.

I feel so proud to be able to do this - Today [ August 13,2008] Would have been my aunt's birthday - She like so many battled cancer for three years, however, suddenly last year she took a toll for the worst - as the worst case scenario happened - The cancer spread to both lungs and there she was putting a strong face and smiling to us - She even wore the Armstrong yellow band for cancer as to give her strength to what was to come.

Three years earlier - My Aunt was diagnosed with a Tumor in her right thigh, She went to all the procedures and well they had decided that she needed to have surgery - However that was the least of the battles - Try being diagnozed with cancer and you finally see the true colors of your insurance company - As long as you are healthy and making payments on time - Those people are happy - But get diagnosed with cancer - And well that is a second battle you have to endure - We battled everyday to try to get her a better doctor - To get her the best specialist, To get her to the surgery as soon as possible - Because as much of us know that we have gone through this - Time is of the essence - and every second is the second that will make a difference and having Years. Months or days.

I remember arguing with Nurses with doctors; Hoping that they would see our pain and our rush, but it was almost like every one had gotten so used to hearing Cancer - Ohh, that is just another cancer patient in a mist of so many. NO !!!! is not right - She is a mother, an aunt, A sister, She is not just another patient. What happen to the medical field, The compation, What happen to remembering life.

Well... No one really cared - I would sit hours in the Parking lot of school right before a class or right before a test and be calling and leaving messages for a manager or someone at the insurance company to call me. Once in a while I would have to run out of class, because they would finally call back - And to tell me a bunch of bolony I did not care to hear - " Maam, we have 5000 other people in the same position, you just have to wait, - WAIT - No you wait, And listen to me, Are you willing to take your own words if that was your Family" ...

After the many headaches - We ended compromising - The Best Surgeon, The Good Oncologist - The surgery went perfectly - She didn't have too mush nerve removed so the doctor's told us she should have a good recovery - Of course they gave us a step by step on all the Worst care scenarios - However our faith and our hope did not allow us to travel to that place -

The worst was still to come - She had Chemo, Then Radiation, Then More Chemo - During a Three year span - Everything seemed fine after a couple of sessions - She would go to the doctor and only give her a dosis of Chemo as prevention - But she was fine most of the time of course.

She did lose all her hair - She had bad days, Worst Days and even Worser days - But she fought - Like I had never seen anyone fight in my life. Towards the beginning of 2007, They send her some test and notice a shadow on the lungs - Weren't too sure - So they send her another test - We thought that it was probably nothing - However - The news turned to be the worst - The cancer had spread and it was in her lungs - Off course - They started determining what would be the best thing to do - Do they operate, Do they do stronger chemo, What was the best possible scenario. And It was so sudden how again she was back in the hospital - Getting weaker - Getting stronger Sessions of chemo - And she just looked so so tired -

At about the beginning of April - We were told that the Cancer seemed to have spread to the other Lung - We wouldn't understand - All the Preventive Chemo, All the sessions in the past months - What went Wrong ?? - Why instead of better, Everything was getting worst.

I started to read as much as I could on Cancer, On her specific cancer - I would take her articles, I would read to her, lEtting her know the things that she could do to get better.

The weekend before she passed away - I took her Colombian food " Arepita, Carne, Papa Criolla "- and then I bought her a complete kit to give her a pedicure and manicure, so I would spend the entite day with her- She was So happy - and it was funny because she made sure she called me first thing in the morning - " Donde estas - Me dijistes que venias a la casa" - Till this moment her voice puts a smile on my face.

So, I ended up spending the entire weekend with her , She listened to soft guitar music as I gave her a massage on very swollen legs, We re-decorated her room, I read to her about laughter and about how to get better, and we talked until she fell asleep as I gave her a pedicure.

Then came Monday - Back to work , However that week I wanted so bad to take a week off from work; so I could take her to the beach and just spend time with her. I passed by on Monday night my regular visit before going home - I was being bothered because my B/F had not spend time with me over the weekend so he didn't want me home late. I went Took her a wheelchair for some exams she needed to have done, Washed the chair talk to her very briefly, gave her a big kiss and told her that I would take care some Popsicles the next day -

Instead on Tuesday as I sat at work I get the Call : Tia is at the Hospital and she is not doing good, What, I didn't even understand what they were saying - I got up, took my purse and drove as fast as I could to the hospital - Once I got there - There they were - All the faces looking at me - wanting to cry, but staying strong - and I said - Don't worry she will be ok... I finally was taken to the emergency bed she was on - And there she was - Full of Machines - Breathing tubes, and more machines - She tried to talk, but she couldn't, She tried to write but she couldn't. I smiled and told her- You will be OK !!! - We are all here and you will be OK..

Then as they took her to Intensive care - She told the Doctor she didn't want the breathing tube - My Other aunt fainted - And not being able to do anything else - They took it off. We waited - Waited in hopes she would get better - She just wanted to breath on her own. However, They called us inside - An entire family and they told us it was time to let her go.... " This has been by far the hardest thing to do in my 30 years of life" - " LETTING GO!"

Today, it has been 14 months since that moment and I still miss her and I still relive that day, that week over and over again and I still feel like if it as yesterday that I was sitting next to her.

I know she battled the biggest war possible - More than she probably thought herself she would endured in a lifetime: The In's and outs of the hospital - The weeks the family took turns staying with her - Always trying not to leave her alone - The Green food she did not want to eat, The endless Vitamins and natural potions, The medecine, The Pain and well the Smile she put in her face when all she wanted to do is give up and cry.

- The day she died the entire Family was in the room - Sisters, Son, Nieces, Nephews - We all got to give her one last kissed and tell her one last word; And as I remember that whisper I wished so so much that she would still be here with me.

So in order not to continue to CRY IN SILENCE !! - I scream it out - I will try and try to help others families, Friends, Strangers to survive and to get many more weekends to enjoy, Smile, and cry.

If you want help, If you need advise if you just need to talk - Please let me know I can help you and together we can fight ths battle and we can make things better - Because YOU, " The cancer patient, the family member, The friend, The boyfriend, the wife or Husband - Are NOT ALONE !"

Do not CRY IN SILENCE !!

An Early Wake Up

So Yesterday I figured I was sleeping too much; So I decided that I would tell my significant other to wake me up early.

It worked out very nice, I went Walking for an hour did two Miles - Saw some birds, Dogs and squirrels - and well try to reconnect with health and nature.

As I walked I just kept on thinking about how many people really want to start doing some sort of exercise, but you just don't feel like doing it alone. Or those of us, that want to give back maybe become a volunteer or just try to see where you can help - And this is so difficult -

I live in Miami and well I have tried for the past few weeks to find orphanages or just some type of activity where I can feel I am giving back - And this is so hard because they ask you to fill out like a bunch of forms, Then they really don't call you or touch basis with you, You have to be on top of it the whole entire time - They ask you to be by far the most exemplary citizen, but then they don't really have positions to volunteer; so you become part of a database.

This is true for job hunting - If you are trying to make a move because you are a recent graduate or you just feel bored at work - Guess what ? - Don't sit and wait - Because even thought all the websites seemed to be full with jobs - You are always either too qualified or under qualified and they just don't give you the time of day - I do find the fact that some companies at least e-mail you rejection letters - somewhat of a nice new thing - I mean don't get me wrong - no one wants to get a rejection letter - But at least you can scratch that job from your list of Maybe just maybe I will get a call.

I am a recent graduate of Computer Engineer - And even though my counselor told me before I graduated that 75% of graduates never actually get a job in the field - I felt - Not Me ! , I will be able to transition from Working full time as an Assistant to a job in my degree - Was I wrong ??.. Big time ! ... Every job posting I find - Requires you to have 5 years experience - of course I mean the decent paying ones - Otherwise you have to settle for $6-8 dollars an hour. Not that I am trying to be greedy in an entry level position - But I have bills on top of bills on top of bills from going to school.

There is the School loan, then there is the car payment [ You can't live in Miami and not have a car] , Then there is Insurance, Then of course the credit cards that paid for books and the Laptop I needed for programming classes - Then the house, Taxes, Food and of course the terrible gas prices. Then I think Gosh when did I become a paycheck to paycheck person - No time to enjoy that 1 hour walk - because I need to be out there looking for Money....

If only my mom saying of " Money doesn't grow on trees" Could be a lie and I could find a money tree. Then I could get the $6-8 Engineering job, Pay off by Bills.. and of course end like Cinderella and live happily ever after.

So I end by saying - I think I don't want to be woken up early anymore - Because this is just too much thinking...

76 Days as a Wanna Be Army Warrior

I ask myself - What were you thinking?

On February 2008, I decided that I needed to pursue my life long dream of becoming an Army officer - I always wanted to do this - And well I thought, I had been in JROTC for three years; gone through all the different cadets ranks and positions - So I thought that I had it in me. So after a lot of wondering, one morning I took the Army business card and made the call - The next few weeks I spend taking documents, signing papers, Preparing physically - " fail to mention, I was really really out of shape, probably at the highest weight I had ever been" - So Having all this things in motion I said "Here I go to the next adventure of my life. "

I signed my contract with a departure date for the second week of April -Didn't tell anyone, I lied to everyone because I didn't want anyone to try to change my mind - So, I made up wonderful stories about getting a better job, Moving to Alaska for research, you think it I said it - Why not, I didn't plan to come back. My family knew though, They just know everything, They went to tell me goodbye - I had to look at the flag and one more time say " I will defend this country" - And I started to cry, I was so scared, So confused, Did I do the right thing ?, Was this the right decision? Of course this fear was not made better by my boyfriend that cried with me until the moment I stepped into the bus.

Then time just passed slowly, Went to the airport, Got on the plane, Waited for the bus, Went on the bus - The longest six hours of my life was that bus ride - I text everyone possible - I really thought - This is it ! I am never going to speak to anyone again. " I wasn't too far from the truth"
Finally around Midnight - We got to the processing center - People do scream at you, but not exactly how you see in the movies - it is more like you are by far the stupidest human being ever born. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do - You are stupid !
We slept that night for about 30 minutes - And that is how the rest 75 days felt.
We started with fireguard - Yeap! you watch everyone as they sleep, it feels like torture, but I found this the best time of the day - No Drill sergeants screaming and making me feel stupid -Just me, My buddy and a flashlight counting minutes, people and making sure we didn't fall asleep.

The days were all the same - We woke up, Did PT, Ate breakfast, Did more PT, processed, Did more PT, Ate Lunch, Did more PT, Processed, Did more PT, Ate Dinner, Did more PT, Took a 2 minute Shower, closed your Eyes, Did Fireguard, During all the above was ALOT of screaming and it all started Again - For One Week.

Then about 5 days into this wonderful time - We had our First Obstacle Course - One that was meant to built team spirit - Ohh, Yeah Right - More to be able to weed out, Who was weak, and for people to hate you !
I tried so hard- I was so out of breath, I really thought I was going to die, Then this stupid Tower of nets, We had to climb up and then go down - GOSH !!! did anyone fail to put on my package that I had no upper body strength whatsoever - NONE !! - Well I tried, however picture 30 other people screaming at you, plus 2 drill sergeants that you will be at fault when they don't win the obstacle course - Yes I say it " I QUIT" - I was scared, frustrated, and well I wanted to make 30 other people happy.. Wrong !!!

I was told I had to go back - Yeap go back - With 7 other Officer Candidates, The company Commander and well my drill sergeants - I was called pathetic, I was a sorry excuse of a Warrior, you name it, I heard it... Where they breaking me - Yes !!!!, But with my heart completely broken, I still tried because I wasn't given another option, I tried until I got to the Top... There one of the drill sergeants held my arms for what felt to be hours - They turn purple, gray, and then with no strength left, he said - "You better do this !" Your only way down is to get all the way to the top.; Wiping my tears and screaming that I hated this place, I got to the top.

Once at the top, not allowed a second to compose myself told to start going down - Then it happen, I FELL !! 15 feet into the floor, I don't even remember - I just felt every bone in my body crack and I had no air - I know I opened my eyes - Because there they were 2 drill sergeants asking me - Are you OK ?? I nodded " Yes" - And then they screamed - " Then get the heck Up "...

I didn't feel much after that, I was shaken up, but felt like I was walking normal - So I had to be alive, Then the day came to go to their Land - BCT Land - Ohh. Crap !!.. RUN !!!.. That is all I told myself - RUN !!!

We had about a 10 minute Bus ride with our heads inside our personal bags, And then it started - I have never felt so disoriented in my life. I felt like in the mist of battle - running is exactly what I did. Throw the duffel, Pick up the duffel, hold then on top of your heads, Throw everything out, Run inside, Sit, Pick-up the chairs, Do push-ups, Do sit-ups, Run More, and then for a moment silence as we all place our heads in our pillows and slept for that minimal 30 minutes.

I dreamt every night of walking at my old apartment and going to bed - and then I would be woken up with the sound of the alarms - And I was still in the same place; looking up at the ceiling of the top bunk I lived for what seemed an eternity... Why ohh.. Why ??

You were reminded every day - " you volunteer for this, I didn't force you in here " - And as the days progressed the pain in my back just got worst - To the point of being unbearable - My back was killing me, I didn't know what to do, I didn't know if to go to the doctor, But then I would be a baby, or try to hold on to the pain as much as I could. I really couldn't !!

I did go to the Doctor - Over and Over and Over Again - I was frustrated and scared and nothing took the pain away - I was given 15 Bottles of medications - from Pain Killers, To Muscle relaxers, To anti inflammatories, To Tylenol... A walking pharmacy - Never explained, if I could take them together or not - And every visit meant at least Three New Bottles.

I spend time in Med Quarters, In Therapy, And No one cared - The People back at the Company said I was lying " I was crying wolf" - Then I was treated mean by the other females - Made to do Double and triple fireguard - I wash toilets, bathrooms, Swept, Mopped, Clean and Clean, took wax off the floors with my hands, carried Weapons Racks, Carried Breakfast Containers, And all this time I had a bad back - I did it.. How I did it ? I don't know, I was angry and I wanted to go home - To see a real doctor and just to be away of feeling so stupid and in pain.

However, Being Good Just made things worst, being respectful made it worst, If I tried to participate in hopes that they would see the pain; It didn't matter; So, I decided that I needed a New tactic, So I decided - I WON'T EAT !!.. Who can force me, If they won't let me go home, I will die of starvation... What a Horrible Plan.. See when you join the Army, you are basically in a Home full of children, Doesn't matter the age they are kids and the drill sergeants are the parents - So, of course they ran to tell on me, Add to that - You are now government property - You went from being a human being to becoming a thing; so, I was breaking government property.. So They told on me, I would go to Jail.. " HUH, Jail - For not eating - No Way !!" Yes way, So I did the best thing, I said I would eat.. I wold eat very little but enough to keep me going... And for sure I would stuff something in front of the people that Instead of helping made me feel worst.

This was a regular day in formation : " Don't stand next to me you are a sorry excuse of a person, What are you doing can you walk faster, Just move you are too slow, you are so pathetic why don't you quit, is all your fault, you should leave I don't know why you are still here ? .. this was everyday Some with more insults, Some to the points of fights, Some would just break your heart, but I pushed, I pushed through all the pain, Through all my tears, And As Time kept on going and I started to lose hope... I would push again and say - it doesn't matter if it takes until X-mas, but I will be back HOME, where I belong !

My Doctor appointments was the reason I was to be discharge of the Army- A disciplinary Discharge, Because I failed to meet requirements; I still don't understand, but when I tried to ask that I wanted to see an attorney I was told that I would never see my family... Then I was told that I was by far the weakest Warrior ever seen by the company Commander - and well known as the War dogs as the - " Sick Call Ranger" ...

Do I have regrets- Not One! , I am thankful every day that I am home, But I am more thankful to have been able to denote my strengths and weakness, I am who I am, I wanted to be a Soldier, and I tried; however, That just wasn't my path - but I will never feel - " What if? " And that is one thing I am most thankful For.

For my 52 War Dogs Warrior - May God Protect you Where ever you Go ! Stay Strong, Stay Focus, But most Importantly - PAY ATTENTION TO DETAIL ! - That will safe your life !

For all the Military Personnel - Please be protected and Thank you !

For my Little sister and My big Brother - Both Army Warriors - New and Old.. Thank you for supporting me and understanding that I was wrong !

Today's Anxieties

I do a lot of reading and research on every topic that people call me and they just have no idea how to go about finding more information. However I still haven't found an answer to Today's anxieties.

Whether you are overweight and want to lose weight ?
Whether you are slim, but you don't know if the pounds will stay off?
How much should I eat and really know is enough ?
I hate frozen meals, but what are fresh alternatives to keep a calorie count?
How do I know If I have the right career?
Do I need to quit?
How do I know if it's really the time to invest?
Am I sleeping too Much?
Do I need a Vacation ?
Is it time to go back to school ?
Do I have money to spend?
When am I shopping too much?
Am I in too much credit card debt ?
Am I doing a good Budget?
Am I saving in Food ? - How Many stores do I visit?
Am I with the right man or woman?
How do I know if they really love me ?
How much money is too much money to spend in a present ?
Do I get mad went they do something wrong or do I just ignore it?

Those are just a few of questions that linger in mind, And I try to clarify them as day passes. But I am still at square one. I will tell you my life experiences some will make you cry and some will definitely make you laugh... But Maybe you and me together will find the answer to what makes me Anxious today !