It is Today.. Gone with Tomorrow

So, I couldn't sleep last night. I thought a couple of times to just wake up and sit there and stare at the ceiling, but instead I kept forcing myself to fall asleep. I believe in GOD, and I asked him over and over again to please help me deal with the pain in my heart.

I made this decision therefore I needed to really focus in passing this stage and just Move on.

I read a couple of articles during the day yesterday and they all basically said: " You can not talk to the person, You shouldn't date, You should get rid of the memories at least for awhile", It sounds all good in theory.. But we lived together and it was eight long years; Not many that I can remember were perfect, but what is?
And then I have this stupid fantasies of getting back together and it makes me angry that after all the pain that I have gone through I can still have that hope. Break up's are like ripping your heart out of your body. To walk around feeling like a zombie because is better to be numb. Knowing that having a single feeling will mean that I will be forced to deal with it.. and I do not; Do not want to deal with it.

But It is today, another Wake up; Another Sunshine, another sunset, Another day at work; Feeling sad and annoyed that I was so stupid and a big idiot.. I do beat myself up. Because I don't know how I let myself be content with Nothing; With a relationship that had no feelings; With doing it all and not ever asking for anything. I have walked for eight years emotionless; How did I go so long ?

Lord I ask you again for strength, Strength within me to get up from this and just move on.

And more than any strength to give me Hope; to let myself one day in the future believe that someone is capable of giving me love.

because with every New sunlight I know that there is Today and tomorrow is Gone.. !!!

I got the DOG !!

OK So I didn't start in order.. But I got the Dog.. Her name is Breeze and she is the new member of my single life; as of Feb-2009; I am super happy and she is a true handful.. yes the Movie Marley and Me did not do her justice; Because she has done that and a lot worst.. she is getting better now that she is 14 weeks old.. But as a puppy everyday she does something that will truly make me laugh..

Like today, She can't chew on my shoes.. So I wouldn't see her he hid the shoe under a stuff animal so it would look like she was chewing her toy.. Smart little one.. I still caught her.. But I was laughing for a while to think how smart she is.

She hates the Leash, She has allergies just like me; She lays down more than she walks.. So I spend a lot of the walking time just pulling her around.

She is by far my most awesome Companion.. and I love her so much..

Let's see how life continues to evolve with time... : )

Break-up Eight Years

It was our first year of being a couple when I found out he first cheated on me. At that time we were living together and well even though I knew better I asked him to stay with me. He even had the audacity to asked me if he could at least stay friends with the girl.. Of course I said no, I thought that if we both worked at it we could really get over the cheating... But it wasn't so, He did change for a awhile was a little nicer and maybe had more thoughtful gifts, but time went on.. the relationship was turning worst and worst, We were both in school full time so it was very little what we saw of each other every day, and as we got closer to graduation, time just kept on passing and our relationship just kept on growing further apart. I have this tendency to always help people, I don't really wish i could change that about me, but it gets me in trouble every single time, because As I managed to go to school, I helped him with work, I helped him with homework, I would get home to cook, clean, and well basically be a housewife; I was working over 56 hours a week and going to school full time; and of course the more time I helped him, the more my studies suffered. after 6 years of being together. I finally graduated, He had graduated a couple of months before me and was without a job; I decided to throw myself a big graduation party, of course he found an excuse not to be there; now that I had more time to be home; I once again started noticing that there really wasn't a relationship, but somehow we were still together; Partly was financially and partly was because of that sense that I can't fail. Well, I started noticing the cheating again; He would meet girls on the Internet or when he went on vacation and I always would know.. Maybe is that female part of us, I am really good at finding out things people try to hide, I don't necessary like it; because sometimes I would prefer not to know.

well, It came down to our Eighth year; Similarly like other anniversaries; I wouldn't get a single anything not a card, A rose, at least a Congrats; His attitude was also a lot worst; He would say things like, Well that why i have you to cook; He would say it was only a joke, but it was even hurtful as a joke and then I finally decided to tell him that it as done, Over, Finito, Finish, I felt so strong that day; the first time I had sat next to him and not cried; I didn't feel sad or angry; I actually felt relieved... Funny enough, I told him that we could move into a bigger place and be roommates.. WHAT WAS I THINKING ??...I started looking for place and I know now that I was just really confused but he wasn't helping me at all; I would ask him; Are you sure you want to do this ?? -- and he would say But why do you ask have I giving you a reason that I won't want to move with you, Weeks went on, and I started noticing the change again; and then one night I see him seating in the closet of our room talking to a girl, A girl that I know now he is dating, Taking to really expensive restaurants; and it hurts; Not the fact of the girl, Is the dishonesty.. I had to be the one to break up with him when he had already moved on.. AH !!!!.. The anger I felt; Of course he got to have fun out with girls as I was the one at home doing his laundry, giving him advise taking care of his personal things, Finding us a house... So, out of anger and desperation; I picked up my bags and left. He did tell me I didn't have to go.. LOL.. So funny how even then He made me feel like the bad person for leaving.
After a week of thinking; I got my own place, I moved my things - Some of them at least and then he kept on trying to get a hold of me, Calling me, Texting me and I wouldn't answer and I was doing so good; Until I got wrapped in feeling bad for him again.. he left me a text message that said.. " They stole my money for the new place and just take everything I am only taking my clothes".. That stupid person that cares inside of me felt the need to reach out; So I did, I told him we could talk.. Of course there was more than talking at the end.. and I felt angry again; I helped him get the money back and getting a place for him; Feeling that somehow that would help me move on.. But it hasn't at all.. Now I know he is seeing someone new.. I feel that I need time and I don't want to start dating just to see other people or to hurt his feelings; I hate playing games...

And Now his parking space is next to mine and his apartment in just right above mine...

What have I done ??.... Yes, Let me ask again.. What have I done ??

So how do I move on?

I want so desperately to grab a bag of clothes and just get in my car and drive, drive far far far away... But reality hits and I can't I have to stay because I have responsibilities.

It sucks, It sucks, It sucks.... Now I told him I can't see him again or talk to him; But all I can think of is .. " What are you stupid, You have to come out of this apartment, and you will certainly run into him... "... : (