It is Today.. Gone with Tomorrow

So, I couldn't sleep last night. I thought a couple of times to just wake up and sit there and stare at the ceiling, but instead I kept forcing myself to fall asleep. I believe in GOD, and I asked him over and over again to please help me deal with the pain in my heart.

I made this decision therefore I needed to really focus in passing this stage and just Move on.

I read a couple of articles during the day yesterday and they all basically said: " You can not talk to the person, You shouldn't date, You should get rid of the memories at least for awhile", It sounds all good in theory.. But we lived together and it was eight long years; Not many that I can remember were perfect, but what is?
And then I have this stupid fantasies of getting back together and it makes me angry that after all the pain that I have gone through I can still have that hope. Break up's are like ripping your heart out of your body. To walk around feeling like a zombie because is better to be numb. Knowing that having a single feeling will mean that I will be forced to deal with it.. and I do not; Do not want to deal with it.

But It is today, another Wake up; Another Sunshine, another sunset, Another day at work; Feeling sad and annoyed that I was so stupid and a big idiot.. I do beat myself up. Because I don't know how I let myself be content with Nothing; With a relationship that had no feelings; With doing it all and not ever asking for anything. I have walked for eight years emotionless; How did I go so long ?

Lord I ask you again for strength, Strength within me to get up from this and just move on.

And more than any strength to give me Hope; to let myself one day in the future believe that someone is capable of giving me love.

because with every New sunlight I know that there is Today and tomorrow is Gone.. !!!

I got the DOG !!

OK So I didn't start in order.. But I got the Dog.. Her name is Breeze and she is the new member of my single life; as of Feb-2009; I am super happy and she is a true handful.. yes the Movie Marley and Me did not do her justice; Because she has done that and a lot worst.. she is getting better now that she is 14 weeks old.. But as a puppy everyday she does something that will truly make me laugh..

Like today, She can't chew on my shoes.. So I wouldn't see her he hid the shoe under a stuff animal so it would look like she was chewing her toy.. Smart little one.. I still caught her.. But I was laughing for a while to think how smart she is.

She hates the Leash, She has allergies just like me; She lays down more than she walks.. So I spend a lot of the walking time just pulling her around.

She is by far my most awesome Companion.. and I love her so much..

Let's see how life continues to evolve with time... : )

Break-up Eight Years

It was our first year of being a couple when I found out he first cheated on me. At that time we were living together and well even though I knew better I asked him to stay with me. He even had the audacity to asked me if he could at least stay friends with the girl.. Of course I said no, I thought that if we both worked at it we could really get over the cheating... But it wasn't so, He did change for a awhile was a little nicer and maybe had more thoughtful gifts, but time went on.. the relationship was turning worst and worst, We were both in school full time so it was very little what we saw of each other every day, and as we got closer to graduation, time just kept on passing and our relationship just kept on growing further apart. I have this tendency to always help people, I don't really wish i could change that about me, but it gets me in trouble every single time, because As I managed to go to school, I helped him with work, I helped him with homework, I would get home to cook, clean, and well basically be a housewife; I was working over 56 hours a week and going to school full time; and of course the more time I helped him, the more my studies suffered. after 6 years of being together. I finally graduated, He had graduated a couple of months before me and was without a job; I decided to throw myself a big graduation party, of course he found an excuse not to be there; now that I had more time to be home; I once again started noticing that there really wasn't a relationship, but somehow we were still together; Partly was financially and partly was because of that sense that I can't fail. Well, I started noticing the cheating again; He would meet girls on the Internet or when he went on vacation and I always would know.. Maybe is that female part of us, I am really good at finding out things people try to hide, I don't necessary like it; because sometimes I would prefer not to know.

well, It came down to our Eighth year; Similarly like other anniversaries; I wouldn't get a single anything not a card, A rose, at least a Congrats; His attitude was also a lot worst; He would say things like, Well that why i have you to cook; He would say it was only a joke, but it was even hurtful as a joke and then I finally decided to tell him that it as done, Over, Finito, Finish, I felt so strong that day; the first time I had sat next to him and not cried; I didn't feel sad or angry; I actually felt relieved... Funny enough, I told him that we could move into a bigger place and be roommates.. WHAT WAS I THINKING ??...I started looking for place and I know now that I was just really confused but he wasn't helping me at all; I would ask him; Are you sure you want to do this ?? -- and he would say But why do you ask have I giving you a reason that I won't want to move with you, Weeks went on, and I started noticing the change again; and then one night I see him seating in the closet of our room talking to a girl, A girl that I know now he is dating, Taking to really expensive restaurants; and it hurts; Not the fact of the girl, Is the dishonesty.. I had to be the one to break up with him when he had already moved on.. AH !!!!.. The anger I felt; Of course he got to have fun out with girls as I was the one at home doing his laundry, giving him advise taking care of his personal things, Finding us a house... So, out of anger and desperation; I picked up my bags and left. He did tell me I didn't have to go.. LOL.. So funny how even then He made me feel like the bad person for leaving.
After a week of thinking; I got my own place, I moved my things - Some of them at least and then he kept on trying to get a hold of me, Calling me, Texting me and I wouldn't answer and I was doing so good; Until I got wrapped in feeling bad for him again.. he left me a text message that said.. " They stole my money for the new place and just take everything I am only taking my clothes".. That stupid person that cares inside of me felt the need to reach out; So I did, I told him we could talk.. Of course there was more than talking at the end.. and I felt angry again; I helped him get the money back and getting a place for him; Feeling that somehow that would help me move on.. But it hasn't at all.. Now I know he is seeing someone new.. I feel that I need time and I don't want to start dating just to see other people or to hurt his feelings; I hate playing games...

And Now his parking space is next to mine and his apartment in just right above mine...

What have I done ??.... Yes, Let me ask again.. What have I done ??

So how do I move on?

I want so desperately to grab a bag of clothes and just get in my car and drive, drive far far far away... But reality hits and I can't I have to stay because I have responsibilities.

It sucks, It sucks, It sucks.... Now I told him I can't see him again or talk to him; But all I can think of is .. " What are you stupid, You have to come out of this apartment, and you will certainly run into him... "... : (

Love Letter

It has been eight years since the day I met you; And everything about you always makes me weak at the knees.

I don't know why; when the thought of losing you enters my mind; The only thing I can do is cry; because the thought of not having you in my life seems to be as painful as a gun shot.

Life is full of unexpected packages and every person in our life always seems to know how our life would be better. However, I just don't know how a person outside of your heart can know what keeps your heart beating.

It is a fairy tale to really thing that every day is perfect; However maybe we do accomplish perfection in a way we never really looked at.

I fell in love with the voice on the telephone, I fell in love with a man that wrote me letters when we saw each other every day; I fell in love with a man that did not need reasons to give me flowers; Because he was able to compare his love to me to a beautiful rose. But that is not the person I love today.

He is too busy for a kiss, or even for a walk on a Saturday afternoon; Most of our time together is a dinner at the sounds of his favorite TV show and maybe a weekend sit down on the couch to watch a new movie. The nights are filled by stress, and extreme exhaustion. We have no children, so we are just bored and tired of the simplest things that the day gives us; and somehow regardless of all those things I am mesmerized and in love with him.

I can't quantify it and I can not place logic into it; I know that my life without him; Maybe could be better, Maybe could be different and the only thing that I can see is that it would be a life without him.

Too put games into your relationship, or to listen to all the advise everyone is so much wiser to give you is truly foolish; Because you and you alone can know what are those eight years like and how can the rest of your life look like.

If I do say good bye to you my love; Because I feel the need to search for more; I leave in these few lines the love I truly had for you; Because I felt your heart beat even when you weren't next to me.

And in some random Moment- when I thought about you- There was a ring on the telephone and it was you thinking of me too.

Love you, SMR

Aug 25 2008 - Two Miles

walking is becoming more like a need - Eventhough is hard for us to walk alone - It gives you the opportunity to put the day in perspective - If you walk in the morning - You are able to make a mental to do list that will allow you to have your day put in order - If you walk in the afternoon - You are able to look at the days activities and determine where you went wrong and where you did good - Ways you can better your Image - Walking is not only about health - Which will be an important factor you will improve with time - However, It is more important for your mental sanity - the reason is mostly because we don't spend enough time with ourselves to be able to truly see what we can do better.
For instance most of our days are taken by: Wake up - go to work - Go home - Cook- Watch TV- Go to bed- If you are a gym fanatic you will go to the gym - Onyl to maybe get upset because you weren't able to get the treadmill - Or the parking space - And probably tell yourself - What did I come in the first place - If you are having a good day - You will work our in all the machines - Maybe a guy will come and help you - But regardless you will be distracted by the girl that is waering too much make-up to be working out- Or the two that you know from somewhere but you can't remember and then maybe see a bit of gossip occurring that will entartaining you for a while.
However, Regardless of the day you are having. You still did not spend quality time with yourself. We are so concerned and scared of being alone - But the reality is that time you dedicate to yourself is what will allow you to understand how to become a better friend, Girlfriend, Wife, ETC...
So I hope you take out those walking shoes, Put some comfortable clothes, And put your IPOD on and let's walk alone. Because you will indeed start feeling better about yourself and in the process you will be in better shape that you could imagine.
Much Love, Walking Loner

Raising Hope, Awareness and Money

I got an E-mail early Monday morning in reference a breast cancer walk in Miami-Dade, It came like an angel because I have been looking for things to do that I would give back. And this came at a much needed time.

I decided to go to the Website: http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?pg=entry&fr_id=11645

And I sign up our family as a team : " The Rincons" I just started, but little by little I know I will get to the goal.

I feel so proud to be able to do this - Today [ August 13,2008] Would have been my aunt's birthday - She like so many battled cancer for three years, however, suddenly last year she took a toll for the worst - as the worst case scenario happened - The cancer spread to both lungs and there she was putting a strong face and smiling to us - She even wore the Armstrong yellow band for cancer as to give her strength to what was to come.

Three years earlier - My Aunt was diagnosed with a Tumor in her right thigh, She went to all the procedures and well they had decided that she needed to have surgery - However that was the least of the battles - Try being diagnozed with cancer and you finally see the true colors of your insurance company - As long as you are healthy and making payments on time - Those people are happy - But get diagnosed with cancer - And well that is a second battle you have to endure - We battled everyday to try to get her a better doctor - To get her the best specialist, To get her to the surgery as soon as possible - Because as much of us know that we have gone through this - Time is of the essence - and every second is the second that will make a difference and having Years. Months or days.

I remember arguing with Nurses with doctors; Hoping that they would see our pain and our rush, but it was almost like every one had gotten so used to hearing Cancer - Ohh, that is just another cancer patient in a mist of so many. NO !!!! is not right - She is a mother, an aunt, A sister, She is not just another patient. What happen to the medical field, The compation, What happen to remembering life.

Well... No one really cared - I would sit hours in the Parking lot of school right before a class or right before a test and be calling and leaving messages for a manager or someone at the insurance company to call me. Once in a while I would have to run out of class, because they would finally call back - And to tell me a bunch of bolony I did not care to hear - " Maam, we have 5000 other people in the same position, you just have to wait, - WAIT - No you wait, And listen to me, Are you willing to take your own words if that was your Family" ...

After the many headaches - We ended compromising - The Best Surgeon, The Good Oncologist - The surgery went perfectly - She didn't have too mush nerve removed so the doctor's told us she should have a good recovery - Of course they gave us a step by step on all the Worst care scenarios - However our faith and our hope did not allow us to travel to that place -

The worst was still to come - She had Chemo, Then Radiation, Then More Chemo - During a Three year span - Everything seemed fine after a couple of sessions - She would go to the doctor and only give her a dosis of Chemo as prevention - But she was fine most of the time of course.

She did lose all her hair - She had bad days, Worst Days and even Worser days - But she fought - Like I had never seen anyone fight in my life. Towards the beginning of 2007, They send her some test and notice a shadow on the lungs - Weren't too sure - So they send her another test - We thought that it was probably nothing - However - The news turned to be the worst - The cancer had spread and it was in her lungs - Off course - They started determining what would be the best thing to do - Do they operate, Do they do stronger chemo, What was the best possible scenario. And It was so sudden how again she was back in the hospital - Getting weaker - Getting stronger Sessions of chemo - And she just looked so so tired -

At about the beginning of April - We were told that the Cancer seemed to have spread to the other Lung - We wouldn't understand - All the Preventive Chemo, All the sessions in the past months - What went Wrong ?? - Why instead of better, Everything was getting worst.

I started to read as much as I could on Cancer, On her specific cancer - I would take her articles, I would read to her, lEtting her know the things that she could do to get better.

The weekend before she passed away - I took her Colombian food " Arepita, Carne, Papa Criolla "- and then I bought her a complete kit to give her a pedicure and manicure, so I would spend the entite day with her- She was So happy - and it was funny because she made sure she called me first thing in the morning - " Donde estas - Me dijistes que venias a la casa" - Till this moment her voice puts a smile on my face.

So, I ended up spending the entire weekend with her , She listened to soft guitar music as I gave her a massage on very swollen legs, We re-decorated her room, I read to her about laughter and about how to get better, and we talked until she fell asleep as I gave her a pedicure.

Then came Monday - Back to work , However that week I wanted so bad to take a week off from work; so I could take her to the beach and just spend time with her. I passed by on Monday night my regular visit before going home - I was being bothered because my B/F had not spend time with me over the weekend so he didn't want me home late. I went Took her a wheelchair for some exams she needed to have done, Washed the chair talk to her very briefly, gave her a big kiss and told her that I would take care some Popsicles the next day -

Instead on Tuesday as I sat at work I get the Call : Tia is at the Hospital and she is not doing good, What, I didn't even understand what they were saying - I got up, took my purse and drove as fast as I could to the hospital - Once I got there - There they were - All the faces looking at me - wanting to cry, but staying strong - and I said - Don't worry she will be ok... I finally was taken to the emergency bed she was on - And there she was - Full of Machines - Breathing tubes, and more machines - She tried to talk, but she couldn't, She tried to write but she couldn't. I smiled and told her- You will be OK !!! - We are all here and you will be OK..

Then as they took her to Intensive care - She told the Doctor she didn't want the breathing tube - My Other aunt fainted - And not being able to do anything else - They took it off. We waited - Waited in hopes she would get better - She just wanted to breath on her own. However, They called us inside - An entire family and they told us it was time to let her go.... " This has been by far the hardest thing to do in my 30 years of life" - " LETTING GO!"

Today, it has been 14 months since that moment and I still miss her and I still relive that day, that week over and over again and I still feel like if it as yesterday that I was sitting next to her.

I know she battled the biggest war possible - More than she probably thought herself she would endured in a lifetime: The In's and outs of the hospital - The weeks the family took turns staying with her - Always trying not to leave her alone - The Green food she did not want to eat, The endless Vitamins and natural potions, The medecine, The Pain and well the Smile she put in her face when all she wanted to do is give up and cry.

- The day she died the entire Family was in the room - Sisters, Son, Nieces, Nephews - We all got to give her one last kissed and tell her one last word; And as I remember that whisper I wished so so much that she would still be here with me.

So in order not to continue to CRY IN SILENCE !! - I scream it out - I will try and try to help others families, Friends, Strangers to survive and to get many more weekends to enjoy, Smile, and cry.

If you want help, If you need advise if you just need to talk - Please let me know I can help you and together we can fight ths battle and we can make things better - Because YOU, " The cancer patient, the family member, The friend, The boyfriend, the wife or Husband - Are NOT ALONE !"

Do not CRY IN SILENCE !!

An Early Wake Up

So Yesterday I figured I was sleeping too much; So I decided that I would tell my significant other to wake me up early.

It worked out very nice, I went Walking for an hour did two Miles - Saw some birds, Dogs and squirrels - and well try to reconnect with health and nature.

As I walked I just kept on thinking about how many people really want to start doing some sort of exercise, but you just don't feel like doing it alone. Or those of us, that want to give back maybe become a volunteer or just try to see where you can help - And this is so difficult -

I live in Miami and well I have tried for the past few weeks to find orphanages or just some type of activity where I can feel I am giving back - And this is so hard because they ask you to fill out like a bunch of forms, Then they really don't call you or touch basis with you, You have to be on top of it the whole entire time - They ask you to be by far the most exemplary citizen, but then they don't really have positions to volunteer; so you become part of a database.

This is true for job hunting - If you are trying to make a move because you are a recent graduate or you just feel bored at work - Guess what ? - Don't sit and wait - Because even thought all the websites seemed to be full with jobs - You are always either too qualified or under qualified and they just don't give you the time of day - I do find the fact that some companies at least e-mail you rejection letters - somewhat of a nice new thing - I mean don't get me wrong - no one wants to get a rejection letter - But at least you can scratch that job from your list of Maybe just maybe I will get a call.

I am a recent graduate of Computer Engineer - And even though my counselor told me before I graduated that 75% of graduates never actually get a job in the field - I felt - Not Me ! , I will be able to transition from Working full time as an Assistant to a job in my degree - Was I wrong ??.. Big time ! ... Every job posting I find - Requires you to have 5 years experience - of course I mean the decent paying ones - Otherwise you have to settle for $6-8 dollars an hour. Not that I am trying to be greedy in an entry level position - But I have bills on top of bills on top of bills from going to school.

There is the School loan, then there is the car payment [ You can't live in Miami and not have a car] , Then there is Insurance, Then of course the credit cards that paid for books and the Laptop I needed for programming classes - Then the house, Taxes, Food and of course the terrible gas prices. Then I think Gosh when did I become a paycheck to paycheck person - No time to enjoy that 1 hour walk - because I need to be out there looking for Money....

If only my mom saying of " Money doesn't grow on trees" Could be a lie and I could find a money tree. Then I could get the $6-8 Engineering job, Pay off by Bills.. and of course end like Cinderella and live happily ever after.

So I end by saying - I think I don't want to be woken up early anymore - Because this is just too much thinking...